okay pat passed out under dana's car
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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