I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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