I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
