I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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