Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
