dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Vodka?
Forever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
