Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
