Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
