I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
