WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
