Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Who died my cat blue again?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
