i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
