I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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