I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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