Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
oh god was she eating orange peels again
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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