Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
