I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
