I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
