There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
