Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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