I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
