My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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