Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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