I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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