Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
