I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
