I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
