i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
