i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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