Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
