the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
