I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
