I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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