I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
