I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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