yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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