I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
