Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
