I want to walk on stilts...naked
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
