i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
