walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
