I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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