it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
