cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
