Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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