then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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