if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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