I want to have your abortion
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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