if i can run in heels then i can drive
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
