i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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