my mouth tastes like poor choices
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They took my balls.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
