you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
