Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
