she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
True strength comes from lack of pants
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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