I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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