worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize