i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
