You smell like a Billy Joel song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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