tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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