also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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