you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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