bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
