Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
