Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
