I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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