hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
