She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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