so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize
