He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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