I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
