chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I only lived at night.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize