i think i have herpe
just one?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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