If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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