i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
