i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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