at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
